Kaffeeklatsch
by Unoriginality
Summary: Alfons wonders how Edward can drink so much coffee.


Alfons had long since learned that leaving a cup of coffee unattended was a dangerous thing to do in that household. The last few times he'd gotten up, probably to use the restroom or something mundane like that, leaving his coffee cup with only Edward as a babysitter, he'd returned to find that Edward had consumed its remains, along with his own cup, and had further dipped into the coffee pot that he'd just perced.

Edward's ability to consume large quantities of coffee in short amounts of time confused the hell out of Alfons. How? How was it possible, he was only gone a couple minutes at best! And yet, he'd come back to an empty coffee mug, when he'd been certain Edward was still nursing his own coffee. How'd he find time to finish that off, plus drink Alfons's, then get up and get more?

It was probably a mystery that would never be solved.

But despite that fact, Alfons was determined to figure it out. It seemed superhuman. "How do you do it, Edward?" he asked his friend one morning.

Edward looked up sleepily from the cup of coffee he was sipping, the liquid still a bit too hot to gulp down. "Wha?"

"You drink your coffee, you drink my coffee, then you get more, and all in a span of two minutes."

Edward flashed him a dirty smile. "I'm good at sucking things down," he said.

Alfons turned red and kicked Edward's ankle under the table, which didn't do any good, as that was his false leg, so the bastard didn't even feel it. "You're a terrible pervert," Alfons snapped, taking a sip of his coffee. Bleh, that was terrible. As was most of their coffee, inferior brewing quality and sometimes reused because they couldn't afford better, and couldn't always afford more of what they did have.

After a minute, Edward finally knocked back the last of his coffee, making a face. "God, that shit's awful. I miss real coffee," he said, getting up and going to the percolator to get more.

Alfons watched him. "Why do you keep drinking it if it's so awful?" he asked. "We'd save money if we both gave up on coffee."

Edward scowled at him. "Shut your mouth. Coffee is blood."

"So you're a vampire?" Alfons raised an eyebrow. "That certainly explains how much of it you drain."

The look Edward shot him at that was priceless. "What is it with you people from this world and your obsession with the supernatural?"

Alfons laughed. "It's bred into us," he said. "And just think, you want to introduce me to your world."

"I must be nuts," Edward muttered, downing nearly his entire mug in one go.

Alfons stared at him. "How can you do that?" he demanded. "You must have a stomach of steel."

His friend made a grunting noise at that. "It's easier to ignore the taste if you down it all at once," he explained. "So there, have your real explanation. I start drinking and forget to stop."

"That explains how you are at the beer hall," Alfons said, rolling his eyes. Edward was a terror in the beer halls, consuming more than he probably had right to and getting into drunken fights with the other customers. The strange thing was, whenever they came home, the man was nearly as sober as if he'd had none to begin with.

Edward gave him a foul look. "I'm not that bad. I'm usually pretty sober." Then he poured yet another cup of coffee. "Besides, I've seen how you can down them."

Alfons flushed, eyeing that cup of coffee Edward was sucking down. "Edward, how do you not float to work?"

Edward blinked, then looked into his empty coffee cup. "I have to piss plenty," he said with a shrug. "You usually are just too distracted with work to notice or give a fuck. And why would you give a fuck anyway? That's weird."

"Is _that_ where you usually go?" Alfons said blandly. "No wonder, you drink an entire pot of coffee by yourself, just about. No more coffee for you."

Edward grabbed the coffee pot and cuddled it close to his chest. "If you want to take this away from me, you'll have to pry it from my dead, cold fingers."

Alfons laughed. "Come on, Edward, we have to get to work. Put the coffee percolator down, and get your coat."

Edward reluctantly surrendered the percolator, setting it aside, then went to get his coat. Alfons shook his head. Well, that was one mystery solved, and maybe one he would've been better off leaving a mystery.


End file.
